The private communications we have with ourselves can be dynamic, or provide an obstacle to overcome. Most of us are familiar with self-critical thought, these come in many faces. “I am stupid”, “I am fat” “I am never going to amount to anything”. Self-critical thoughts have two things in common; they are painful and they are founded on a belief that you are not good enough.
Many of these beliefs are formed from early experiences. When we fail to identify, and separate ourselves from this ‘inner critic’, we allow it to shape and impact our lives.
Some people believe it can motivate change, like a strict parent who calls a child lazy to try and motivate them to do more. This may work in the short term though ultimately can lead to stress, burn out, depression or perpetually not feeling good enough.
Others may want to banish it completely, by pushing it down or telling it to shut up. They may find it keeps on getting louder, as all parts of ourselves want to be heard.
When we look more closely at this inner critic, it can be seen as ultimately trying to do good, though going about it in a painful and unhelpful way. There is a lot of fear underneath the bully façade, when we see this fear and how it is actually trying to help us, it loses its destructive power.
For example the critical thought, “I’m not good enough”. This thought can be stopping us taking any risks. This judgement can be trying to keep us safe from risking rejection. The deeper intention being keeping us safe.
By identifying that we are not our inner critic, and that we can take steps to address these negative thoughts we can have a more productive dialogue with ourselves. Here are some practical steps you can take.
- Identify it and what it is telling you, know that it is not a reflection of reality. It is a view point based on early life experience, now having been internalized as your point of view. You are not that voice.
- One way to differentiate is to give it a name, call it something. Mine is Betty. That gives you some space and allows you to know whatever it is saying is not fact. You can write down what it is saying from the second person, instead of “I cannot do anything right.” It becomes ‘You can’t do anything right.” Notice that the inner critic exaggerates the negative.
- Write from a more realistic and compassionate, from a place of advice to a friend. Instead of “You’re such an idiot” could be “I may not find it easy, though I am smart and competent in many ways.” “I made a mistake though it’s not the end of the world.” Show a kinder and more honest attitude to yourself.
- Take actions that represent your own point of view. Act from a place of who you want to be and what you aim to achieve. Accept flaws you have in yourself and know that you can work on these, you can both accept yourself and grow at the same time.
By knowing that the ‘inner critic’ is not you and that you can give it an identity separate from yourself you can start having a new relationship with it. With the awareness that it can come from a place of positive intent can mean you achieve this intent by more positive means. By identifying with our inner critic in this way we gain more power and our own real voice gets stronger.